Leave the vajayjay alone! And stay away from sticking wasps’ nests up there — ok?
In an ever-desperate attempt to make the lady bits more — what? — appealing, women have devolved from merely having boiling hot wax poured onto their hoo-hoos like something out of the Torquemada playbook, to most recently putting wasp nests right in it.
What’s next? Snake venom?
Look, I’m no sex therapist or gynecologist, but for millions of years our lady parts have been pretty good to go as originally designed. If not, the population wouldn’t be bulging off the planet now — right? We would have died off from lack of vagina Bedazzling.
But that wasn’t good enough.
So women began shaving it, then hot waxing it, not to mention spritzing it, powdering it, vajazzling it with crystals, or in the case of wealthy hoo-hoos, glitzing it up with diamonds, getting it salon facials, (called “vajacials”), bleaching it, dying it, deodorizing it with feminine hygiene products that smell like dead flowers and musk (which is fine if you’re looking to attract bees or male deer).
Still not enough? You can even have it inked. One woman in Vegas will even tattoo yours until it glows, which must be handy if you tend to lose your hoo-hoo in the dark.
Just when it couldn’t get worse, The News reported that it just did.
Etsy, among other homemade products sites, is offering “oak galls,” made from wasp nest larvae, for vaginal tightening. Of course it would tighten the vagina — the poor thing is just trying to prevent wasp nests from getting in there! But the oak gall mixture is not just larvae, it’s also blended with spices and ground-up sandalwood to scent the taut vajayay. Because who wouldn’t want their nethers to smell like the 1970s?
Curious, I went onto Etsy.com, which I foolishly thought was a site to buy embroidered pillows, oversize homemade woolen dresses and potholders.
Well, yes, you can buy those things, but hundreds of home-crafters are also making a living selling products to wow your woo-hoo.
In fact there’s a whole vagina sextion, featuring homemade items like detoxing vagina pearls made from — what else? — motherwort, personally engraved vagina rings (how your partner could read what it says I don’t know), vagina jewelry, the always handy French handmade speculum (for what — home OB/GYN exams by French people?), and yes — I swear — reusable crocheted tampons that will, as advertised, “reduce the carbon footprint.”
Look, I appreciate the environmental concern as much as the next woman, but wouldn’t it be a helluva lot easier all around to stick with the Paris Accord than to resort to rope tampons?